10 Things to do with the Virginian-Pilot

In the spirit of fair play (or foul) let’s itemize the things we can do with the Virginian-Pilot, the newspaper, and with the property on which the garbled voice of information reaches us in the trenches.

It is with trepidation that I attempt such an initiative, for my feeble mind can barely grasp the ramifications of my suggestions.

This bastion of wisdom, insight and thoughtful analysis is an icon among the community, so I have to tread with caution where most would cringe. So let’s get started.

1. Demolish the VP building. Build a multi-level parking deck and charge fees. It would probably make more money than selling newspapers and advertising.

 2. Refurbish the Fount of Knowledge. Transform this decaying edifice into an apartment complex for the homeless and underemployed (most of whom are laid-off journalists).

3. Transform the hive of drones into a museum of dead and laid-off journalists.

4. Sell the property to the hotelier, political gadfly and developer, Bruce Thompson, for a five-star hotel, branded as the Virginian-Pilot.

5. Renovate the property to house former Bank of the Commonwealth officials, who have been tried and sentenced. Fence the parking lot for an exercise yard for inmates. Also a room where inmates can create art for the public – perhaps a hand reaching the sky and clutching a wad of money. It can be sunk in the sidewalk at the corner of Granby St. and Brambleton Avenue.

6. Suppose we have a have a super-fitness center with an Olympic pool, yoga rooms, exercise machines, weight rooms, weight loss room and a café serving high-octane coffee.

7. A daily flea market or farmer’s market. You know, buy local. Parking is ample. And you have a ready labor pool of laid-off journalists.

8. Turn the property over to the Church of the Baptismal Fount of Knowledge.

9. Cut a deal with the city to house the Norfolk Community Services Board in the building. I hear the CSB’s rent at its Olney Road headquarters is outrageous.

10. Last, but not least, turn the entire property over to a super-robot brain, which will apply logic to the problems facing the region.